I met Bidemi in one of my office meetings. My company was going to pitch for a job and my direct supervisor had recommended me to represent the company. The Clients were multinationals and my supervisor had told me that whatever I would say there would be used to appraise us. It was my first time I was handling such responsibility but I knew I just had to brace up and silence the fears lurking in my heart.
Bidemi came to represent his own company. After the presentation, we retired for a short break. Bidemi and I struck up a conversation, we exchanged numbers and he promised to give me a call.
I got a call from Bidemi one Saturday morning requesting me to come to his house the following day. Been a Sunday, I reasoned that he should be going to church and not entertaining visitors. Perhaps he was one so had given up on church or wasn’t even a Christian? Anyway, I told him I needed to rest as I was too tired to visit or go to church having had a long week. I expected that he would understand but he did not. He insisted and reluctantly, I did go visit him. It was a nice apartment and he told me he lived alone. After getting acquainted with myself, Bidemi requested that I cook for him in his house. I reasoned that it was not a bad idea afterall, all the ingredients were in his house and I was not going to spend my money buying anything.
I am a great cook; I cook only when I am in the mood. If my moods are on vacations, then I have to be hungry to cook. I don’t enjoy cooking one bit. The stress of thinking of what to eat bores and gives me headache. Hence, I was super shocked with myself that I actually did cook for Bidemi. Don’t get me wrong, I cook for my friends, male and female but who was Bidemi to me and why was I cooking for him? I thought. Have I gotten my hand into deep mud? Why so fast? Although Bidemi was with me while I cooked, I couldn’t but feel silly and stupid to have cooked for a man whom I have no duty whatsoever to cook for.
Truthfully, the first visit in Bidemi’s house was cool. I was on my toes, not giving room to chances. I made sure I was not so relaxed and I never stepped my boundaries. Bidemi realized this and didn’t step out of line.
However, subsequent days after the first visit led Bidemi to think that I had other intentions. I mean, do you blame him? What lady goes to a man’s house for the first time and cooks for him anyway? Knowing this, I realized that even though I had started what I could not sustain, I was going to stop it anyway. Better safe than sorry.
Bidemi started sending suggestive messages. I noticed that he was not straight up even with his messages. Although he was kind and was a succor for my boring days, he would insist I send him details of my day and always ask what I had eaten. All these were becoming overbearing for me. Much more because he was not straight forward with what he wanted from me. I told everything to my friend, Aderonke who agreed that I ask him exactly what he wanted. I took her advice and I did ask Bidemi. Bidemi said he just wanted to be a friend, he wanted to be my confidant and a close friend. Whatever that means, only him knew. I told him that I did not enjoy his constant pestering especially when he would call everyday to ask whether I had eaten or not and when he’d also insist I come to his house. He would also chat me up so disturbingly and grumble when I don’t respond that he saw me online but said nothing to him. I mean, he was that petty. I told him that I would ignore him henceforth if he continues with such attitude. He apologized and said he would change. He said he only wanted to be close to me.
Few weeks later, he did change. I thought him to be reasonable at this point seeing visible changes. He reduced his calls and generally remained a casual friend. Bidemi travelled for his summer vacation to the United Kingdom and I kept in touch while my office took me to a rural community for a little project there. He would tell me of how much he missed me and how he can’t wait to come back home. At this point, for some lose nuts in my head, I would also respond of how much I missed him and couldn’t wait to have him back. I knew I was only using Bidemi to ease off the boredom I felt been away from the city of Lagos. I told Bidemi of him how I missed him too and how I wished he were around with me. We would perhaps be strolling round the city together or just be there for eachother. In one his text messages, Bidemi wrote of how he had feelings for me but he would like to discuss this with me privately. I was at least happy that he straightforward and thus I am now liable to give him an answer.
Unfortunately, Bidemi saw my interactions and communications as a suggestive and also another way to get back to him on his schemes. He told me he would cut short his trip and return immediately, then come to Offa where I was, since I was really lonely. Shocked and seeing no need for such, I objected. Although I was also excited or I acted excited. True to his words, Bidemi was in Offa the following Tuesday afternoon. It was good to have a friend back, at least somebody you could just chat with, or so I thought. Bidemi requested that I cook for him again. No, that happened the first time but it was not going to happen again. I told him to get himself food while coming afterall, it was by his choice he was coming to Offa to see me. I do think at this point of writing that Bidemi wasn’t coming to Offa solely because of me. He had business here but made it appear he was doing me a huge favor.
Subsequent weeks saw Bidemi and I getting too close for comfort which I felt very uncomfortable with. Bidemi would careless just hug me from behind while we were taking a stroll. One of those nights in Offa, Bidemi complained of been ill and insisted that I come stay over in his hotel room. I did go visit him but I did not stay over. In one of the visit, Bidemi pulled me to the bed and held me so tight to just lie beside him, I told him he was hurting me. He apologized though and said he just need my body comfort beside him. This was not the first time, he would pull me beside him and attempt to kiss me o.
Truthfully, I did not like the pattern everything was heading. I need I had played suggestive too as well. I felt bitter, sad and manipulated and decided to tell Bidemi about this. I did tell him and again he apologized. Then the nail hit well, Bidemi said he was shocked I was acting all tight up because it was the same me who acted so indicative of having romantic feelings for him? He said he could not believe I would suddenly feel this way. He thought we were heading somewhere. He thought I had feelings for him.
He told me he had feelings for me and he would really love to start a relationship with me. I don’t know where I got the slightest ideas that he was married, but I hit him hard with that! He expressed outright shock at my response and demonstrated through his body language that there was nothing to dating him. He even boasted that there was nothing to his dating me. His wife is aware and has no say with what he does with his life. When I asked if his wife, he said they are in a small city in Osun state. It was at this point I knew that Bidemi was been manipulative and unreasonable. I share part of the blame too as I had not been uptight from the beginning with him. I had started stuffs with him I naturally don’t do with any man. I made up my mind that from hence forth, I would have nothing to do with him anymore.
I cut all communications with him and I maintained our conversations to be casual and formal. I never said hello to him except when he did. I never went visiting him anymore. Importantly, I told friends about him and asked that they keep me accountable. Aderonke was hands-on for this. Bidemi tried bridging back the broken bond but I would not budge. My mind was made up! He came visiting me one day and knelt down before me asking me why I had suddenly deserted him. I told him me been away from him was best for two of us. I was wrong to start stuffs with him and appear indicative when I knew deep down I had no feelings for you and knew that I was wrong . I guess I just desired to be chased by a man and so I gave my brains up. I realized that is been over a year since a man found me attractive hence my reasoning were on break when Bidemi started with me.
On the other hand, Bidemi had also been manipulative, cunning me to do things against my will and values. He had made me lie on a bed beside a man and put his own body on mine in the bid that we become close confidants. It felt strange but Bidemi had assured me that it was part of been close to a man. Huh?!
Bidemi had also, always expected me to cook for him, like I was his wife whose duty was to ensure that meals were ready for him. I remember a day Bidemi called me from work and demanded that I cook for him when I get back. I cringe till date when I remember all I did.
Bidemi had held me so close and attempted to kiss me several times. This was me whose lips had never come close another man, let alone a man whose intentions were not defined. Where I suddenly let my guards down still baffles me till date.
Bidemi made me feel I was the most important part of his life mentioning that he wanted me to be a close confidant and be there for me, when he had a wife and children at home. He was deliberating seeking to exploit my emotions knowing that he had no future plans for me.
Right now, I have cut all communication with Bidemi. I have blocked his contacts and I dont receive his calls anymore. I can’t totally avoid him because we live close to eachother, but I am glad, I’d be resuming permanently at the head office in October which means, I’d be relocating to Abuja. This also means I’d no longer have to worry about bumping Bidemi on the streets.
On his own part, I think he realized that I meant business, he has not paid me a visit neither has he called or sent those his pestering messages. He seems to have understood that I can’t continue to be manipulated and used.
LESSONS TO LEARN FROM MY STORY:
Ladies! You’re valuable. You do not need a man’s affirmation for this. You do not need to be chased by a man to feel valuable or loved. I realized that it was because I hadn’t had a man tell me in the last one year how pretty I was hence, I let my guards down and almost got ruined.
When closure with an opposite sex is not defined, chances are that one party would begin to feel manipulated and used. As a lady, you are in the right position to ask a guy (who seems getting close to you) questions. Don’t keep quiet expecting he knows what is on your mind.
Never ever seek for a temporarily cause for anything, e.g. boredom. I realized that it was the period I was bored, I was so vulnerable to Bidemi hence I acted all suggestive. It was those periods as well Bidemi started asking me to stay over in his house.
Although I realized that I made many mistakes starting stuffs with Bidemi, it was not too late to retrace my steps back and put an end to this madness. For instance, cooking for Bidemi was a suggestive attitude that gave him the green lights to go ahead for more cookies. Do I blame him that he requested I cook again for him and spend the night with him against my own will?
As a lady if you do not know that you are in control of your emotions and no good man should have to manipulate them to earn them, you would be in for manipulators and schemers.
There are many men on the prowl, men like Bidemi who are married looking for young girls to manipulate and control. You have to always been on your guard. Please use your brains.
You say you are smart, the devil is smarter that you and he knows how to play those cards to have you fall down disgracefully. A first ‘it does not matter’ often becomes habits that are difficult to break and so it is best to flee from all appearance of evil.
Finally, I was able to put a stop to everything before it got out of hand, several young women experience this trend and eventually get raped, exploited, manipulated and destroyed before realizing that the men were married or had no good intentions for them.
Omoby, thank you for allowing me share my story on your blog. I hope young ladies would learn from my story and take caution.
All rights reserved. Omoby, 2016.