Many of us stumbled into parenting. Many of us would stumble into being parents. Many would continue the same parenting styles our parents used on us on as children. Asides from the fact that their way didn’t actually help us, some of us went on to hurt others, became damaged people, and we failed to address our inner issues.
We’ve been trained to seek violence, shouting and as the only way to resolve conflicts. If we look closely, even here on Facebook, many of us can’t have decent conversations with others insults or throwing jabs at each-other.
Some of us overlook this trends that should call our attention to a deeper and inner reflections of our flaws.
“I’m not a parent yet”, some reason.
And to those who are, rather than look within ourselves and make changes, we justify these ills with that part in the Bible that says “spare the rod and spoil the child”.
Yet, we still have a generation of broken people who have been blinded to think that physical assault and abuse are the only ways to resolve issues. We see men (and women) physically abuse their spouses and call it discipline. Isn’t why a man can boldly lift his hand and hit his own wife? We see women physically abuse their maids and say they’re training them. What of some of us who physically hit our children and claim it’s discipline – an action we can not carry out on animals are melted to our children and we think this is okay?
Some of us have been emotionally and psychologically hurt. Do we talk about the lack of self esteem because our parents verbally abused us? Many of us can’t stand up for ourselves and what we believe in, because we were never given the freedom to make our own choices in the homes we grew up in. Can we mention that many of us are still scared of public speaking because we were never trained to be bold, courageous by our parents? Do I have to mention that many people do not have a great relationship with their parents because we grew up in homes were friendship, openness and communication was never a priority?
If within you, you didn’t like your parents style of training you, and you really want to do better, you’ve to be deliberate about it with your children.
You can’t afford to just stumble into being a father or mother and expect that things would be business as usual or expect luck to take over. Somebody said, which I agree to, that the styles used by our parents of the last two generations can’t work with children of this generation. Additionally said by another, “You can’t put old wine in new skins”.
You’ve to read about parenting. Get good books that discuss the different personalities in children, study the psychology of your own child, know your child’s temperament etc.
I bought a parenting book sometime ago, including a book understanding children’s love languages and temperaments. Somebody asked me why I’d buy such books now after-all I don’t have children. I told her, I was making preparations for the day. If I’ve this free time, then I should not just expect to be a good parent by luck. I must prepare for that day. You don’t prepare a horse on the day it’s going for battle, preparation must have gone on months or years before the day.
The problem is that many people skip the preparation aspect. We desire the good things of life but don’t wanna prepare for it. We don’t wanna pay the price to study. Unfortunately, you don’t start learning about children when you’ve them, if you do desire children otherwise you’ll end up having damaged children.
It’s the same thing with marriage. Many people desire good spouses, but would never seek out knowledge on how to get one. They only pray for luck and hope that fate smiles on them. This is why when people say I’m lucky I’ve a good marriage, I don’t think so. I worked for it. I prepared for the kind of home I wanted, I didn’t stumble into this. I knew who I was and who I would never be able to live with. Maybe luck happens for some, well, I don’t believe in luck, I believe in preparing and being intentional about whatever you desire.
Therefore, if you wanna be a good parent, be intentional about this. Being married doesn’t qualify you as a good parent. If you’ve not unlearned the toxic parenting styles your parents had on you which you didn’t like, you have to start now while you’re still single or married without children. You’ve to do this consciously. Read up books.
Being a parent is much more than being a father or mother or providing for their physical needs. Procreation doesn’t make you a parent, it just makes you a biological mother or father. You’ve to make that thoughtful decision to care for, love your child. It is hard work.
You’ve to learn to hear them out, communicate with them, let know know they’ve got a friend in you. Protect their reputation and image. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to protect them from abusers, harm and evil. You should also protect them from yourself, your bad temper, anger and outburst.
Don’t be quick to make a post on social media about your children’s outburst or tantrums. Don’t be quick to ridicule and put your children down in public and call it discipline. You have to recognize that each child is different and cease comparing them with your other children. You’ve to learn to listen to them, and seek not to control them. You can’t afford to get your children to respect you by using violence and anger.
Children are humans too, who’ve feelings and are deserving of respect, and regard. Children act better when they are heard. Listen to them.
There are other ways to discipline a child that will bring out the best in them. Find them out. This is your sole responsibility if you wanna have children. You’ve can’t afford to just have children waiting for them to become your retirement plans if you’ve not done your own part of the work!
Do you see that parenting is such a hard task. It’s not something you should just stumble into if you wanna do things differently.
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