What do you do with your insecurities?

Your insecurities would ruin your life before its ruins your home.

Feeling insecure in a relationship is horrible for the one who is feeling the insecurity. The burden – of fear and obsessive thoughts, of feeling powerless, of awful awareness that all this insecurity may actually itself be destroying what you treasure most – can feel pretty unbearable.

But it’s also tough for the person on the receiving end of all that insecurity. The truth is that being involved with a really insecure person can be hell.

 

People say we have a beautiful relationship and wonder how we have been able to put things together..but we haven’t had it all nice and rossy. He’s done a lot of working in me and helping me to become better.

download

 

8 years ago when I started with him, I was an insecure young lady. Insecurities were my second name. Unlike very fundamental issues that split relationships, we had none but there were big lumps of insecurities lurking in my heart and mind which I needed to deal with.

I remember always searching his phone looking for what’s not lost. He would just look at me and shake his head for me. I was finding it very difficult to trust the man I had. Because I didn’t trust myself, I couldn’t trust another. I realised I was hurting myself more because when I searched, I found nothing. The ones that looked like there was something, my insecurities wouldn’t allow me think logically and I’d make a mountain out of a mole hill only to discover that I was the fool by the time my eye cleared.

That’s what insecurities does to you…

One day, we had to sit down and talk about it. I also had to talk sense to myself too because my insecurities were destroying the beautiful relationship we had both built. I was seeing it. I needed none to tell me that it was killing me…and destroying him.

I must confess that, it didn’t go away in a day but I soon learnt to trust the man I am with considering that he’s never lied to me and never given me any reasons to doubt him.

Today, I am at peace with myself. I no longer feel insecure or check his phone in the search for what’s not lost. When I am in doubts, I ask questions. I don’t assume. I can confidently allow him handle his. And he trusts me to handle mine.

I don’t know where this ends but I just employ you to search your heart this year and deal with the root cause of your problems. It was easy to say there was nothing wrong with me, believe such, because the world encourages women to always check their partner’s phone afterall the cliché that all men cheat still holds in many minds, but for me, I knew the problem was with me. I became true to myself, dealt with the problem and now I am free.

So Happy New Year to you all. I am just exited about 2017. Some say this year is “my” year, whatever that means, I don’t know o.

~ ALL.RIGHTS RESERVED

…on the verge of giving up? 

Yesterday, the 9th of November, 2016, I got fully inducted into full membership of my Professional body, the Nigerian Institute of Quantity Surveyors (NIQS). I decided to share my story with you all…to encourage whoever is on the verge of giving up…please read and get encouraged.
I remember how sad I was last year when I got results that I had failed the exams on my first attempt. I remember the tears that so drowned me. How I cried and thought God had abandoned me. I thought of the sacrifices I put into the exam. How I got home late on Sunday night attending tutorials and yet had to resume work the following day. What of all the financial commitments I made?
I thought I had prepared well enough for the examinations and I trusted God to give me good grades. I attended the tutorials and never missed the weekend classes.
It was a sunday morning during thanksgiving in church when I got news that the result were out. I brought out my phone and checked the results. My heart beat harder as I scrolled through the pass list and didn’t see my examination number. I proceeded to check the fail list and didn’t see my number there as well. Well, if I didn’t pass all and I didn’t fail all, it means I had some resits. With a mixture of sadness and joy,  I checked the resit list and saw my number. It had been confirmed. I had two resists.
I got my stuff together and left church. What was I thanking God for anyway with these resists? Shadow of shame and tears enveloped me as I cried my eyes out and walked out of church.
In spite of my tears, I brushed myself up and was determine to rewrite the exams the following year…and even if I wouldn’t make it again, I’ll keep rewriting until my breakthrough comes. I don’t want to look back in the future and wish I didn’t give up. I don’t want to look back in the future and wish I only pushed a little more. I want to look back with content and fulfilment.
The next thing I did was to reach out to similar people who had failed in different endeavours and ask them how they pulled through. I was introduced to a friend who told me she failed hers thrice. Her story gave me the courage to pull through again.
Furthermore, I took responsibility for my failure. I didn’t blame the examination committee. I didn’t blame my job. I didn’t blame God. I didn’t blame my boss. I didn’t blame my colleagues. I didnt blame anyone. I didn’t blame the devil. I told myself my best wasn’t good enough for the examiners.
Owning my mistakes helped me to be bold enough to declare my failures. I saw no shame in hiding my failures. I needed to know what I did wrong that didn’t earn me a pass on my first attempt. I asked a friend who passed all hers, how she answered her questions. Was there something I needed to do? What was it? How can you help me? I also ensured that I tried not to repeat the same mistakes I made. One of such mistakes was answering questions using head-knowledge instead of answering them professionally?
I really don’t know what you’re trying to do which has resulted into failures several times. Please keep pushing at it. Cry all you can. But get up knowing that you’ll try again and again and again. Most importantly, recognizing your mistakes and seek ways not to repeat them.
Last year’s tears has brought this year’s joy.

It’s really sweet to look at how far you’ve come and be proud of yourself. I owe all this to God who gives victory and success. The Bible says except the Lord builds the house, the labourer works in vain.

To God, to whom be all glory, honour and adoration…who made this possible. Who held me and never gave up on me. I am nothing without you!❤💚

To you others who are on the verge of giving up, please don’t. Give it another try. Don’t stop until you achieve your dream. It’s not going to be easy o. But, you’ll be proud of yourself in the long run.

So, you can now refer me to as Omoby, MNIQS. But wait, let me get that PhD first. Lol. Then you can call me Dr. Omoby, MNIQS.

Now, this is what I call “Achievement”!!

…beware of manipulators!

I want to sound a note of warning to ladies. Especially young ladies who are often not in control of their emotions.

Please be careful of men who try to play on your intelligence and emotions without defining what it is they want with you. Be clear. Do not give any man the licence to use you to soothe or mastubate his emotions with you. Ask questions. You’ve the right to ask questions and dictate what you want with any man who’s acting all friendly without any clear intentions. Do not assume you’re in a relationship with bro when he thinks you’re just one of those he could play around with.

A reasonable man should be clear on what he wants with you…and he’ll give you the right to reject or accept his offer. However, some good men don’t ask. Perhaps they’re shy, I wouldn’t know. But immediately you notice a man being unnecessary friendly, please ask questions. Don’t entertain any relationship / friendship without clear boundaries.

Are we dating? Are we in a relationship? Are we just sex partners? Are we in an open relationship? What are we doing? Ask. There’s no crime in asking. You’ll be saving yourself a lot.

Similarly, always remember that even when a man asks for your hand in Marriage or a relationship, you’re under no obligation to give a positive response. You! decide if or when the relationship starts. You’re that important. You’ve got to know that, without your consent, nothing starts. That’s how much important you are.

And thank you to those who contributed to the discourse yesterday. I learnt something new. I learnt that we, single ladies are doomed. Hahahah.😂 Life is not easy on single ladies o. But I am committed to enjoying this phrase until my status changes.

~ Omoby, 2016

..yet to make up your mind?

Do you find yourself in a relationship where you really can not figure out what’s on your guy’s mind? Today you see him…tomorrow you don’t….

I have come across quite a number of intelligent babes, brillant, classy, educated, beautiful, fashionable, local, exposed, whatever. It has cease to amaze me how some just seem to get stuck in relationships that are not going anywhere and are failing to see all the signs the guys are giving them. They are busy dreaming of walking down the aisle with a guy who sees them as just ‘one of those girls’, if you understand what I mean, it doesn’t make them less intelligent or less smart, but only human.

Have you ever being in a relationship where it seems as if you are the only one who’s making effort and the guy keeps coming with one excuse or the other on why he can’t see you tonight. Not just for tonight actually, but he has a thousand and one reasons for not seeing you in 2- 3 weeks and not even tangible reasons to this effect? Don’t we all have one story or the other to tell Prince Charming to whisk us away to the altar?

I have known a lady for quite some time as an Undergraduate, a few years back, she used to practically sing the name of her supposed bobo to all who cared and she spoke of how he promised to make her his bride, take her to England (he lives there anyway), how he couldn’t compare her with anyone else blab la bla. Honestly, as much as I tried, I couldn’t really figure out the kind of relationship that existed between them. There was no issue of him coming to see her because he lived in the UK and she in Nigeria. The guy never called and anytime she did, it was received by his answering machine in his apartment. Although she left several messages on the machine for the bobo to call her back, this bobo never returned her call, not once!

On few occasions when she spoke to him, he always told her how difficult it is to live in England, which he said it’s very difficult to call. It was really obvious that the guy was using this strategy to make her see reasons, but did she get the signs? No! At times, she was becoming so irritating when she began to make excuses for him and I had to tell her she must be a dummy (forgive me) for believing something would come out of their relationship. Some of her excuses ‘ehn, maybe he hasn’t gotten a better job yet, or he may just be getting used to the weather’ huh?😕😕

Listen, if you don’t know anything about relationships know this truth, a normal guy would never make you doubt him or guess his intentions to you, that is to say, if he serious about you, he will let you know immediately.

Please don’t misunderstand me, a guy can court you for 10 years or more without a clear purpose, but one day you will know you are the one after his heart. He sleeps it. He talks it. Dreams it. Sings it and eats it. He wants you to know that he can lay claims to you not wanting to give ears to another guy. In other words, if a guy is in a serious relationship with you, he leaves you with no doubts, no guess work, no excuses, no disappearing acts nor hide and seek game; just pure intentions.

Anything short of this, it’s time to count your losses and move on. Forget all the talk about being busy with his work and having to focus to his career for now. No matter how busy he is or how career minded he is, if he is serious and committed with you, he will go the extra mile to be near you! Get that fact! You will be a major source of inspiration of achieving success in his busy schedule.

If you cannot decode the message a man is passing across to you, through his words, its either you are not listening well or your vision is being blocked by your own wishes and fantasies. Because you fancy him that much, you believe he has to feel the same way about you and if this is not love, what’s love? Sorry, but you need to remember that because it feels good doesn’t mean its good. A typical guy naturally avoids a situation where he has to tell a girl that she is not the right woman for him. But he tries in other non-verbal ways. Failing to turn up when he should, suddenly developing fever on the way he is supposed to meet your family, and having to catch up less important engagements than those with you.

Your heart skips each time, so what? If he feels the same way towards you, great! If not, too bad! Quit waiting for him to discover how much of a perfect pair the two of you will make because the truth is that the relationship only exist in your head!

Finally, do you know that for every guy that leaves you feeling unwanted, there are at least two who would do anything for you to be their woman? Do you know that there is a guy out there who will be so fascinated by your brains, overwhelmed by your natural wellbeing (disable or not), that he would want to stand on the roof top and broadcast to the whole world that you are the woman in his life. If you haven’t meant this guy, believe me, all other relationships are a sheer waste of your time and emotions!

Omoby 2016. (A repost)

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Transformed by unfair situations.

I am aware that one of the ways God develops His work in us is to place us in the middle of situations that are the exact opposite of who we are. He gives us people who have exactly what we’ve been trusting Him for.

God develops real peace within us, not by making things go the way we planned but by showing times of chaos and confusion. God uses the exact opposite situation of each fruit to allow us make a choice.

We can’t claim to be good, if we haven’t been tempted to be bad. We can’t claim to be faithful, if we haven’t been faced with the option of cheating on our partners. We can’t claim to be patient if we haven’t been faced with impatient situations. We can’t claim to celebrate our friend’s successes if we haven’t been with friends who seem to have it more than we do. Likewise, Integrity is built by defeating the temptation to be fraudulent and cunny.

I will explain.

A dear and close friend of mine is so hippy. I used to envy her lot. A lot. As in, those kind of moments that could almost make you hate. And when I had reasons to see her without clothes. I’d beat myself down and mumur of how shapeless I am, eventually becoming depressed.

Isn’t it ironic that God places those who seem to have it more than us around us so that we can actually learn to be content with what we have and we can grow in our character? God didn’t give me a friend whom I thought I was physically more attractive than, rather he gave me friend who was so hippy. Her being with me helped me to love myself and be content. It was hard o. Chaiii. Thank God for growth.

Oh! What about living in the same room with a cousin who has big butts? Imagine the horror having to constantly live with what I so admired yet couldn’t have? I used do all the comparisons and just marvel at how God gave somebody so much, yet some so little. I realized that God didn’t give me a cousin who I thought was shapeless, rather He gave me one who had the exact features I so envied so that I can learn to be content with what I have.

For me, this is a way God works in me. I cried and prayed to God for more hips. Nothing changed. I have just learnt to love myself regardless.

Similarly, I concentrated on features I have. I have got a very flat tummy. A tummy several others take all sort of drinks to have. A tummy that lots of people register in gyms for. A tummy that many would do anything to have. I have also got a stature that looks younger than my age. A stature many take spend millions to have. Please note that, I am in no way shaming those who have big tummies or those who’re big, but I had to deliberately highlight features I have.

The Bible talks about God making us perfect in every good work to do His will, working in us that which is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ. If God will work in us, He’ll put us in the midst of opposite situations to strengthen our character so that we can learn to grow.

~ ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Omoby, 2016

…my travails as a single woman!

Here’s me sharing my travail as a single lady. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy been single. I like the fact that I can choose to spend my money whatever and wherever I like. Kinda not answerable to anyone…but then, been single also comes with learning how to control your urges. Sexual urges.

At such nights as this, I kinda wish I were married. I sort of envy that my married friends and sisters can choose to have sex when they wish…with their partners. Or at least, there’s no guilt, no shame, no shyness. But me (and some others), we keep holding body…waiting to have sex under the right roof…with the right man…no shame nor guilt…where we could go all the way.

If anyone says that you’ll have no sexual feelings while courting, know that the person is lieing to you. Similarly, If anyone tells you that a long courtship guarantees that you’ll be able to put your body under control, that’s also a lie o. I hardly used to have those sexual urges when we first started…7 years down the line, the story is different. The good news however, is that the feelings can be put under control.

In similar vein, I am not ashamed to say that I do have sexual urges…not with any other man, but with the man I love. Oh yea! It’s real. We are both waiting. We help to keep eachother accountable. We share same sexual values.

So, if you’re married and you’ve got a man/woman to lawfully and rightly fulfil your sexual desires and fantasies with, I congratulate you. Please don’t take your partner for granted and ensure you’re having fun been physically intimate with eachother. Likewise, please don’t do it out of duty. Have sex because you love him/her and you want to make him or her happy. Some of us envy you guys o. Lol.

Don’t get me wrong o. Sex isn’t the main reason I want to get married, but it’s sure something I look forward to.

Okay…that’s enough. I need to go and count how many days I have left to wait joooh. 😉😉😉😜😝😝

Goodnight friends!.

Care to share your travails as a single lady? Do inbox omobyadex@yahoo.com or send a personal message on IG @omobyy. Would be looking forward to reading from you.

~ Omoby, 2016. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

When needs…supercedes reason…

It’s to feel the need to be married. It’s alright to desire a romantic relationship with the opposite sex. It’s alright to feel those lonely prangs of having somebody you could call on to or somebody who would always be there for you. It’s okay to desire to be with a man/woman you want to settle down with. It’s perfectly okay to have “been married” as part of your long-term goals. It’s okay to desire to want to be called Mrs somebody. These are real feelings that envelopes real people and should never be invalidated.

Do not let anyone make you think that the desire to get married is an useless one and you should shut it down. Do not let the hate song of “Marriage is hell” or “good men/women are few” make you think that there aren’t those who are have got good partners.

However, it’s totally wrong when this desires supersedes your commonsense such that it’s all you drink and think about. It’s not okay when this desires makes you rush into anyone who wants a relationship with you without verifying about all his/she claims. It’s all wrong when you sit idle only waiting for Mr right to whisk you off to your dreamland. It’s wrong if you think that any guy/woman is doing you a favor by getting married to you. It’s totally wrong when you finally get married and begin to look down on your single friends. It’s wrong when you see the warning signs, but don’t take heed.

As much as the desire to get married burns inside you, please take all the time you need to verify facts. Do not be pressured into getting married. While waiting, do and be all you want to be! It really disturbs me when I see young girls only waiting to just get married. Young girls who don’t know what else to do with their lives.

~ ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Omoby, 2016

Been a Blessing

I have realized that if we dont consciously look out for whom to help, we may never find people who are in need of help thus missing out on the true essence of living and loving. We have all been told to look out for ourselves before others. The old cliche ‘every man for himself, God for us all’ is often said by several of us to save our heads first before saving others. ‘What’s in for me?’ is the world’s expectations from us. ‘I would help you, but what would I get in return if I do?’ is the often our condition to helping others. We readily acknowledge this as the “me” generation, and that same narcissism sometimes spills over into our relationship with God, our families, and one another.
 
Many people nowadays are blatantly and unashamedly living for themselves. They’re not interested in other people. They don’t have time to help others in need. They focus only on what they want, what they need, what they feel will most benefit themselves. Ironically, this selfish attitude condemns them to living shallow, unrewarding lives. Even when opportunities arise to help, they deliberately shut their eyes and heart against such. No matter how much they acquire for themselves, they are still never satisfied.
 
If you want to do something out of the ordinarily, If you really want to live beyond the norm, You must be on the look out for whom to bless. It does not necessary have to be in monetary terms but be on the look out for whom to encourage and inspire. Be on the look out for whom you would lift up and share a prayer with.
 
I met a man early this year who was extremely disgruntled with life, disappointed with God and himself. He had attempted his professional examinations more than three times and failed repeatedly. He was so depressed and thought himself a failure. Having failed mine as well, I understood what he was going through. I did try to cheer him up and encouraged him to keep pushing through until he comes out victorious, ensuring to take into consideration the mistakes he has made in the past and avoid making same. Some few days ago, he told me that my words gave him the courage to push through again and avoid his previous mistakes. Top of his joy was that he came out in flying colours. I could not have been happier.
 
My point is, somebody needs what you have to give. It may not be your money; it may be your time. Your story. It may be your listening ear. It may be your arms to encourage. It may be your smile to uplift. Be on the look out for whom to help. Dont just go through life only looking out for what’s in for you. Make efforts to reach out to those in need and offer what you can.
 
I implore you to quit trying to figure out what everybody can do for you, and start trying to figure out what you can do for somebody else…and see the immense benefit of giving and truly living your best life now.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Omoby, 2016.

The place called “Mistakes”

I met Bidemi in one of my office meetings. My company was going to pitch for a job and my direct supervisor had recommended me to represent the company. The Clients were multinationals and my supervisor had told me that whatever I would say there would be used to appraise us. It was my first time I was handling such responsibility but I knew I just had to brace up and silence the fears lurking in my heart.

Bidemi came to represent his own company. After the presentation, we retired for a short break. Bidemi and I struck up a conversation, we exchanged numbers and he promised to give me a call.

I got a call from Bidemi one Saturday morning requesting me to come to his house the following day. Been a Sunday, I reasoned that he should be going to church and not entertaining visitors. Perhaps he was one so had given up on church or wasn’t even a Christian? Anyway, I told him I needed to rest as I was too tired to visit or go to church having had a long week. I expected that he would understand but he did not. He insisted and reluctantly, I did go visit him. It was a nice apartment and he told me he lived alone. After getting acquainted with myself, Bidemi requested that I cook for him in his house. I reasoned that it was not a bad idea afterall, all the ingredients were in his house and I was not going to spend my money buying anything. 

I am a great cook; I cook only when I am in the mood. If my moods are on vacations, then I have to be hungry to cook. I don’t enjoy cooking one bit. The stress of thinking of what to eat bores and gives me headache. Hence, I was super shocked with myself that I actually did cook for Bidemi. Don’t get me wrong, I cook for my friends, male and female but who was Bidemi to me and why was I cooking for him? I thought. Have I gotten my hand into deep mud? Why so fast? Although Bidemi was with me while I cooked, I couldn’t but feel silly and stupid to have cooked for a man whom I have no duty whatsoever to cook for.

Truthfully, the first visit in Bidemi’s house was cool. I was on my toes, not giving room to chances. I made sure I was not so relaxed and I never stepped my boundaries. Bidemi realized this and didn’t step out of line. 

However, subsequent days after the first visit led Bidemi to think that I had other intentions. I mean, do you blame him? What lady goes to a man’s house for the first time and cooks for him anyway? Knowing this, I realized that even though I had started what I could not sustain, I was going to stop it anyway. Better safe than sorry.

Bidemi started sending suggestive messages. I noticed that he was not straight up even with his messages. Although he was kind and was a succor for my boring days, he would insist I send him details of my day and always ask what I had eaten. All these were becoming overbearing for me. Much more because he was not straight forward with what he wanted from me. I told everything to my friend, Aderonke who agreed that I ask him exactly what he wanted. I took her advice and I did ask Bidemi. Bidemi said he just wanted to be a friend, he wanted to be my confidant and a close friend. Whatever that means, only him knew. I told him that I did not enjoy his constant pestering especially when he would call everyday to ask whether I had eaten or not and when he’d also insist I come to his house. He would also chat me up so disturbingly and grumble when I don’t respond that he saw me online but said nothing to him. I mean, he was that petty. I told him that I would ignore him henceforth if he continues with such attitude. He apologized and said he would change. He said he only wanted to be close to me.

Few weeks later, he did change. I thought him to be reasonable at this point seeing visible changes. He reduced his calls and generally remained a casual friend. Bidemi travelled for his summer vacation to the United Kingdom and I kept in touch while my office took me to a rural community for a little project there. He would tell me of how much he missed me and how he can’t wait to come back home. At this point, for some lose nuts in my head, I would also respond of how much I missed him and couldn’t wait to have him back. I knew I was only using Bidemi to ease off the boredom I felt been away from the city of Lagos. I told Bidemi of him how I missed him too and how I wished he were around with me. We would perhaps be strolling round the city together or just be there for eachother. In one his text messages, Bidemi wrote of how he had feelings for me but he would like to discuss this with me privately. I was at least happy that he straightforward and thus I am now liable to give him an answer.

Unfortunately, Bidemi saw my interactions and communications as a suggestive and also another way to get back to him on his schemes. He told me he would cut short his trip and return immediately, then come to Offa where I was, since I was really lonely. Shocked and seeing no need for such, I objected. Although I was also excited or I acted excited. True to his words, Bidemi was in Offa the following Tuesday afternoon. It was good to have a friend back, at least somebody you could just chat with, or so I thought. Bidemi requested that I cook for him again. No, that happened the first time but it was not going to happen again. I told him to get himself food while coming afterall, it was by his choice he was coming to Offa to see me. I do think at this point of writing that Bidemi wasn’t coming to Offa solely because of me. He had business here but made it appear he was doing me a huge favor.

Subsequent weeks saw Bidemi and I getting too close for comfort which I felt very uncomfortable with. Bidemi would careless just hug me from behind while we were taking a stroll. One of those nights in Offa, Bidemi complained of been ill and insisted that I come stay over in his hotel room. I did go visit him but I did not stay over. In one of the visit, Bidemi pulled me to the bed and held me so tight to just lie beside him, I told him he was hurting me. He apologized though and said he just need my body comfort beside him. This was not the first time, he would pull me beside him and attempt to kiss me o.

Truthfully, I did not like the pattern everything was heading. I need I had played suggestive too as well. I felt bitter, sad and manipulated and decided to tell Bidemi about this. I did tell him and again he apologized. Then the nail hit well, Bidemi said he was shocked I was acting all tight up because it was the same me who acted so indicative of having romantic feelings for him? He said he could not believe I would suddenly feel this way. He thought we were heading somewhere. He thought I had feelings for him. 

He told me he had feelings for me and he would really love to start a relationship with me. I don’t know where I got the slightest ideas that he was married, but I hit him hard with that! He expressed outright shock at my response and demonstrated through his body language that there was nothing to dating him. He even boasted that there was nothing to his dating me. His wife is aware and has no say with what he does with his life. When I asked if his wife, he said they are in a small city in Osun state. It was at this point I knew that Bidemi was been manipulative and unreasonable. I share part of the blame too as I had not been uptight from the beginning with him. I had started stuffs with him I naturally don’t do with any man. I made up my mind that from hence forth, I would have nothing to do with him anymore.

I cut all communications with him and I maintained our conversations to be casual and formal. I never said hello to him except when he did. I never went visiting him anymore. Importantly, I told friends about him and asked that they keep me accountable. Aderonke was hands-on for this. Bidemi tried bridging back the broken bond but I would not budge. My mind was made up! He came visiting me one day and knelt down before me asking me why I had suddenly deserted him. I told him me been away from him was best for two of us. I was wrong to start stuffs with him and appear indicative when I knew deep down I had no feelings for you and knew that I was wrong . I guess I just desired to be chased by a man and so I gave my brains up. I realized that is been over a year since a man found me attractive hence my reasoning were on break when Bidemi started with me. 

On the other hand, Bidemi had also been manipulative, cunning me to do things against my will and values. He had made me lie on a bed beside a man and put his own body on mine in the bid that we become close confidants. It felt strange but Bidemi had assured me that it was part of been close to a man. Huh?!

Bidemi had also, always expected me to cook for him, like I was his wife whose duty was to ensure that meals were ready for him. I remember a day Bidemi called me from work and demanded that I cook for him when I get back. I cringe till date when I remember all I did. 

Bidemi had held me so close and attempted to kiss me several times. This was me whose lips had never come close another man, let alone a man whose intentions were not defined. Where I suddenly let my guards down still baffles me till date. 

Bidemi made me feel I was the most important part of his life mentioning that he wanted me to be a close confidant and be there for me, when he had a wife and children at home. He was deliberating seeking to exploit my emotions knowing that he had no future plans for me.

Right now, I have cut all communication with Bidemi. I have blocked his contacts and I dont receive his calls anymore. I can’t totally avoid him because we live close to eachother, but I am glad, I’d be resuming permanently at the head office in October which means, I’d be relocating to Abuja. This also means I’d no longer have to worry about bumping Bidemi on the streets.

On his own part, I think he realized that I meant business, he has not paid me a visit neither has he called or sent those his pestering messages. He seems to have understood that I can’t continue to be manipulated and used.

LESSONS TO LEARN FROM MY STORY:

Ladies! You’re valuable. You do not need a man’s affirmation for this. You do not need to be chased by a man to feel valuable or loved. I realized that it was because I hadn’t had a man tell me in the last one year  how pretty I was hence, I let my guards down and almost got ruined. 

When closure with an opposite sex is not defined, chances are that one party would begin to feel manipulated and used. As a lady, you are in the right position to ask a guy (who seems getting close to you) questions. Don’t keep quiet expecting he knows what is on your mind.

Never ever seek for a temporarily cause for anything, e.g. boredom. I realized that it was the period I was bored, I was so vulnerable to Bidemi hence I acted all suggestive. It was those periods as well Bidemi started asking me to stay over in his house.

Although I realized that I made many mistakes starting stuffs with Bidemi, it was not too late to retrace my steps back and put an end to this madness. For instance, cooking for Bidemi was a suggestive attitude that gave him the green lights to go ahead for more cookies. Do I blame him that he requested I cook again for him and spend the night with him against my own will?

As a lady if you do not know that you are in control of your emotions and no good man should have to manipulate them to earn them, you would be in for manipulators and schemers.

There are many men on the prowl, men like Bidemi who are married looking for young girls to manipulate and control. You have to always been on your guard. Please use your brains.

You say you are smart, the devil is smarter that you and he knows how to play those cards to have you fall down disgracefully. A first ‘it does not matter’ often becomes habits that are difficult to break and so it is best to flee from all appearance of evil.

Finally, I was able to put a stop to everything before it got out of hand, several young women experience this trend and eventually get raped, exploited, manipulated and destroyed before realizing that the men were married or had no good intentions for them.

Omoby, thank you for allowing me share my story on your blog. I hope young ladies would learn from my story and take caution.

Do you have a story you know people could learn from, please do send me a mail on omobyadex@yahoo.com or just send a message to my Facebook account: Omobolanle Adeyemo or my Facebook Page Omoby.

All rights reserved. Omoby, 2016.

Its within you…Look!

Some of us women wouldn’t like people’s pictures on Facebook because there is this inherent thing in us that seems to see only the bad in people. We wouldn’t comment on an exciting woman’s journey because we hate what she’s doing. We wouldn’t say a positive word to a woman or anyone else. We wouldn’t cheer up another woman’s post because we think there should be something she should do better which of course we have answers to. We pride ourselves as being objective and focused, but what’s eating us is deeper than objectivity, it deeper than perfectionism. We are becoming sicker and sicker by the day, but we don’t care as long as the sickness is hidden. Like cancer, one day it would eat all of us and we would be left with nothing of ourselves.

No, I am not talking about desiring the seemingly vague attention social media brings, I am talking about seeing the good in situations, in all things, in all lives, around you, among your friends, at work, even mundane things as what’s on social media.

A lady walks into a room who is gorgeously dressed and your nose is already up in the air picking out stuffs she didn’t do well or questioning her demeanor. Oh we’re already seeing why she did wear a blazer on a trousers and not a skirt? Is she the only one who knows how to walk properly? What about been bitter and seemingly angry because somebody does something better than us? Rather than appreciate such works, we become depressed and sad. Rather than deal with the root cause, we think the problem is everyone else but us.

A lady is successful in her mid thirties or later, yet you begin to tell her or think that she’s incomplete because she’s single. You’re privileged to know another woman’s past so you can now rub it on her face. An obviously successful lady is bad-mouthed by you because you know she’s slept with every Tom, Dick and Harry to get to that position. Another lady posts pictures of her lovely family on Facebook, and you begin to quint your nose, boldly declaring that time would reveal things to her? What things? A lady says confidently that her hubby has never cheated on her and would never do so, but you begin to define her own truth. Why?

You see, I used to think I was simply been objective and pride myself to be a perfectionist been a Melancholy by temperament. When I see female pictures on Facebook, my eyes would immediately pick the things not right with it. Oh she is pretty, but then, why she didn’t do this and that? Although some of these thoughts of mine could be true, but who am I to sit and judge what I think is somebody’s definition of beautiful? And what is the acceptable benchmark of measuring beautiful? Who am I to determine another woman’s definition of wrong or right? When I seem to be jealous of another woman’s gift, I remind myself that the world is large enough to accommodate everyone. Why do I sit and get jealous of her gift while I have done nothing with mine? And whose fault is it? Why do I condemn another woman’s journey? Why do I judge another woman whose relationship or Marriage didn’t work out? Why don’t I focus on my own race? Why do I raise my shoulders higher than necessary because I don’t engage in premarital sex? Why do I think I am better than the other woman because I have an awesome relationship with a great dude? Why I do feel safer because perhaps I sin differently and secretly?

No, it doesn’t mean I would support evil or wrong, but it means I would be gentle on the next woman. I would love and care for her. I would seek to understand her unique journey. Note my word ‘seek’. I would not be quick to put my best foot forward while focusing on her own bad foot. I would be gentle, kind, compassionate and loving.

Here is my declaration: I have chosen not me be an enemy to another woman. I have chosen to support every woman and see the best in them. I have chosen never to judge any woman in my heart and words. When my female friends think of me, I want them to see me as a woman who supports and believes in them. When I am tempted to get jealous of that woman, I would remember that if I reflect deeply, I can see the beautiful gifts I have as well. I’d choose not to compete with another woman. I would see every woman’s world as beautiful. I’d see her journey as unique. I would not use my own standard to measure her life’s choices. I’d see every woman’s mistakes as lessons and not a bait to get back at her. I would choose to use my words to build a woman and not tear her down.

I have made my declaration and it changing something inside of me, I hope you would make same as well.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Omoby, 2015