Stop dating entitled men!

My parents sponsored my degree to the UK. They had paid all my bills, including accommodation and school fees. I can recall my aunty travelling to the UK, to my school, for my sake because she wanted to look for the best accommodation for me. When she did, my parents sent her the money and paid for the duration of my study.

All I needed to do was to go to school and study. Even though they promised me monthly upkeep, I looked for student jobs because I wanted to live off them and just make my own money. While my friends were looking for jobs to pay their accommodation fees, I was looking for jobs because I wanted to be independent and save some good money.

I can NOT imagine telling Daddy or Mummy say na boy I wan follow marry say I no dey go school again. Where is the mouth I would tell them say one boy has vouched never to marry me because I wan go further my education. On top their own money?! For an ordinary and mere boyfriend?!

No, you are just dead!

Hahhahaa, I trust my sisters sha. By the time, Onikepe slaps me from the left ear and Tolulope slaps me from the right, all the love that is shaking me would fly out of my head. Even my younger brother, Bobosticka would say, “sister Omoby, ahn..ahn…e be like say something dey craze for your head o”.

On a serious note, what sort of man says you should consider your five year relationship over because your father decides to sponsor your degree to Canada which you desire to go for.

Who raised this kind of entitled men? Who gave birth to such silly men? Who are their fathers? Men who think that a woman should dump her dreams and careers because she’s dating you. Are you serious? Because you’re who?

Why do many women think that their lives are over if they call the bluff of this kind of idiots. And to know that it is always women who put their careers and lives on hold for men who give silly conditions. Na women dey always ask this kain mumu question. Worse, for a man you’re not even married to. Tueh!

Let’s turn the tables and see.

A man may do a lot for a lady, the one he loves, but I am yet to see a man who would sacrifice his own career or dreams for a woman. Maybe there are, but I have not met any yet. Or a man whom the babe would threaten with such ultimatum and the man would come inbox to seek public opinion.

20180601_141642

I repeat, no man would put his life on hold to accommodate such entitled condition from any woman, even if it the woman he loves.
I am yet to see a man who would withhold a scholarship opportunity, a job offer, or something in such like just to be with the woman of his dreams. Heheheh.

He would rather go and the woman waits for him. So if a man would not do the same for you, you think you are obligated to do same for him to? Why? Because men are scarce? Because he’s the only one on earth for you? Because if you don’t marry him, you’re doomed?

A woman would be the one torn between choosing her career and a silly guy who gives such stupid condition. A woman is often the one having sleepless nights because she wants to hold on to a man who makes her choose between her career and a stupid love. A woman would put her career on hold, refuse scholarship opportunities, sacrifice her school fees because she loves a man without using her head well.

Ladies, I do not care how many years you have spent with a man, I do not care if his dick is gold plaited and or he is the best thing after sliced bread. See, immediately he mentions “c” without even spelling out the word “Choose”, let that relationship go. He’s not the only man on earth for you.

Also, this is a red flag that has the potentials of turning into something big in future. This means that if you do get married to him, he would stop you from advancing in your career. He would stop you from getting promotions, he would stop you from doing anything that makes you happy.

And trust me, at this time, because you have already given him the permission while dating, you may never be able to stand up for yourself. This is how women get married to men who suppress their dreams and progress, leaving them miserable and unhappy for the rest of their lives. Ask women who are miserable in their marriages, they’d tell you this are the signs they saw, ignored and didn’t pay attention to.

Stop making silly sacrifices for a man who does not love you, who makes you choose between your career and a relationship, because a man who makes you choose DOES NOT love you. Period.

This should not even be debatable. It should be the fundamental principle of every girl should stand by. But no! “I want to marry, I want to bear Mrs, Men are scarce” wouldn’t let some of you be great!

~ Omoby, 2019

About to Wed?

In a bid not to appear hateful or jealous, I really want to appeal to would-be couples to please cut cost on wedding expenses and focus on building your home together: making it comfortable and worth living for you both. Buy a car. Get your apartment tastefully furnished. Buy foodstuffs in your kitchen. Think beyond the wedding day. When all guests are gone, where would you be heading to? A hut? A cave? A mansion? A home? A shed?

For me, it’s extremely pathetic when I see couples have lavish wedding, yet move into a tiny one bedroom apartment with just a mattress and a wrapper as curtains. For some, the days after the wedding starts a life of misery and penury. It’s sad.

Forget about the talk of wedding being a “once in a lifetime” affair and you want to break the bank, run into debts and go all the way. Do you know your Marriage is forever affair and you’ll live with the financial choices you make.

No! I would understand if you’re not financially capable to afford a comfortable place. I’d understand that it’s not everyone who moves into their own houses or have it all furnished. I am talking about those who ignorantly or in the quest to impress friends, guests and society, spend so much, unnecessarily costs to make their day a funfare, yet could have saved some costs into furnishing and building their homes. It’s sad joooh. Or doing some other stuff.

What’s more sad is many go into debts, and living the next few months after the fairy-tale wedding paying these debts.

A colleague of mine told me of how his wedding was on all wedding blogs and magazines in town, yet he spent the next one year paying debts and balancing vendors. He said if he would go back to rewind that part of his life, he’d go back to cut unnecessary costs and focus more on his home with his wife. He was telling me this to learn from his story.

Another friend had a society wedding, but had to move into tiny self contained apartment which she told me was so unbearable for her and her hubby. She told me she wished she and her hubby had cut down a lot of their wedding expenses. She was also telling me this to learn from her story. When I paid her a visit, I felt very sorry for her. I couldn’t reconcile the lavish wedding pictures almost on all blogs and wedding websites with the present state they were in.

Remember, the wedding is just a day’s event. Many would forget what you wore and what meat they didn’t eat or what souvenirs they didn’t get. However, for your own home, where you would go back to sleep after the whole paparazzi…how is it? Are you going back to a one bedroom unfurnished flat? Are you going back to using kerosene stoves because you didn’t cut down wedding costs to put your kitchen appliances in place? Are you going back to drinking garri and eating groundnuts because you didn’t think foodstuffs in your kitchen would be necessary?

Think. Think. And think again.

Disclaimer: I didn’t say that having a lavish wedding isn’t good. No! I am appealing that if you must have or fancy a lavish wedding, be sure that your home is properly furnished and comfortable. Please.

  • ~ Omoby, 2017

…Handling our Jealous feelings.

Few years ago, a young woman reached out to me on social media. Myself and her had been very good cyber friends. We shared some sort of relationship and I could call her a friend. She was happy about the things I write about and wanted me to partner with her in a project she was thinking about. We wanted to reach out to more young girls about a course we were both passionate about. One day, while we were both talking and trying to pen down our ideas that would create a project we could drive and lead, she giving most of the ideas and I was just there nodding my head, those feelings started springing up.

The idea was fabulous, but I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the idea of her doing this fabulous thing, though I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Over our discussion, I shared my negative concerns. I told her I did not think it would work and how were we going to get sponsors. In a world like this, who was even going to be bothered about sexual purity anyways.

As I shared my concerns, she sat there and watched me listening gently, not interrupting me. Such a sweet lady, when she finally spoke, she said, ‘Omoby, I have been listening to everything you’ve said. I’m really trying to understand it, but the words are not making sense to me. You don’t seem to see anything positive about this idea. I think you are jealous.’

Because she was such an amazing woman, she did not say this to ruin me or make me feel less of myself, she said this without a hint of accusation. She didn’t sound hurt or angry, righteous, or victimized. She said it as if it were a neutral observation.

In the moment she said it, I began to realize she was right. But her words hit me more as I got home. It became crystal clear: if I’ve gotten to the point where I couldnt support this person whom I have come to love, who’s doing something that will advance a cause I am passionate about, it means I wouldn’t go far in life. I had only just been following my own dreams, cultivating my own happiness and feeling good with myself receiving recommendations from others. But here was I struggling to support another’s dream.

***********************************************************************

When I was in Uni, I had a very close Muslim friend, still do, who was always getting better grades than me. While I made C’s, she made A’s and while I made D’s, she made B’s. I’d become so jealous of her and wonder how she did it. I wished she would just fail. I was almost beginning to start hating her. I had to admit such feelings to God. I told Him I felt jealous of her. I told Him, I didn’t like the feelings but it felt safe to just wish that somehow her grades drop…and when something hard did hit her, she even made better grades that I could ever imagine. Imagine loosing a loved one and making allround A’s in all your modules. Ha! What kind of human being was she? I’d wonder!

***********************************************************************

A while ago, a friend told me she had gotten a job in a very juicy Organization and when she told me about it, for months, I’d think of how miserable I was without a job despite a Masters (she had no masters) and mourn and groan. In the heat of my jealousy, I went to apply to the same Firm she was working, perhaps I could be lucky as well but I failed even before I could start.

***********************************************************************

There was a time my bobo was getting exceptionally close to a female friend, I was bitter with jealousy. This friend was exceptionally endowed in her hips. I would get bitter about her and mourn about how ugly I was. Even though this friend was also in a relationship which I knew about, I could not understand the strange closeness she had with my bobo. And despite his constant reassurance, I would still get bitter and sad. I just could not explain and understand it. I think a part reason was that she had something I did not have. It constantly made me worried that she was trying to rub her physical endowments in my face.

*************************************************

How have I been able to overcome all these jealous feelings?

I realised that being anything less than happy for others was blocking my own chances at success and happiness. This is because by ruminating in the idea that I don’t have what someone else has you’re simply attracting more of what you’re feeling: lack. This boils down to the emotions we have inside of us. Feeling excited for someone else feels good, therefore creates more good things. I realised as well that frowning at another’s blessings doesn’t feel good therefore can’t create good things. It’s a conscious step I take and walk with.

Similarly, seeing the positive experiences of others helped me open up to possibilities. For instance, when a friend of mine recently got a job with a multinational, instead of becoming envious and gloomy, it proved to me that such amazing possibilities were present even in this recession times. This means that there’s enough good to go round for me, for all of us. We only have to believe so.

Finally, I surrendered my struggles to God. For me, this was the hardest. But I take it all to Him regardless. I feel ashamed telling Him though, but I just try remembering that He knows them already and He always has my best interest at heart. Its just like avoiding someone who only wishes you well. He has never dissapointed me. The feelings may not go overnight, but I know that since I have confessed it to God, I’d be alright.

I know we all pride ourselves as being good, lovely and always on top of our game, but there is one subtle part of us that makes us human and weak.

Jealousy planted a one glaring misconception in my mind: who I was, wasn’t simply enough. I have since realized that the hardships I was experiencing weren’t meant to point out my inadequacies, but to create an entirely new life experience that was more fulfilling and more…me.

So let’s discuss, have you had those banging prangs of jealousy? Those that make you hate and depressed? Have you got those jealous feelings that makes you wish someone else ill? Have you got those feelings that tend to make you compare yourself with another? Got those feelings that prevents you from counting your own blessings? Have you wished your friend/colleague would have life worse than you? Got those feelings of insecurity and low self esteem?

Would you kindly share? You would definitely be helping somebody. How do you get over yours? How have you been able to deal with them? If you would like to share anonymously, please send me a mail on omobyadex@yahoo.com. Your stories are always safe with me.

What do you do when Konji visits…???

Hi guys! I know its been a while. I trust we are all keeping well regardless of the economy. So today, I want to talk about something that society an culture teaches us to keep mute about. We don’t like to talk about our sexual feelings. Many in the bid to feel holy suppress theirs.

For me, and over the few years after I turned 26, I must confess that Konji has dealt with me more in this years than younger. In the past, I never used to be bothered about all those sexual feelings. Infact, I used to think I was stiff and was glad I was. But, at this age, I lie. The feelings have visited me and even slept over nights severally.

A friend recently asked me how I have been able to manage its arrival in the few years. I shared a few points with her which I would state here, but much more, I’d like us to rub minds and discuss.

How do you manage the situation? What practical steps do you take? What do you do when Kongi visits you?

What I do sometimes is to have a cold shower. If you know me, I don’t like, neither do I take second baths. My early morning bath is just fine. But here’s something I have to compulsory do to ease off the feeling.

Secondly, I ensure my thoughts are right and pure. I purposely don’t watch any erotic movie or read any of such posts on Facebook or anywhere else…nor listen to anything of such. And as much as I like reading all them sex posts to learn, during this time, I quietly walk away from them.

When all this fails…and sometimes, without even trying the first two methods, I just talk to God. I ask Him to help me. He’s given me the sexual desires and understands what I am going through. At all times, God comes through for me, I just find the feelings gradually oozing out. Either by a change in my thoughts, or something suddenly crops up; somebody calls me to do something, I suddenly remember a deadline, mr. sleep just pays me an unexpected visit, it’s a message notification to counsel a person, a call or an instruction from my folks at home. Whatever it is, something always works.

I have found out from experience that calling upon God is always the safest and the surest bet. God always comes through for me. All the time. I mean this. And each time He comes through, it’s different from the previous, thus I have stopped bothering my pretty head with the how’s. I remember when I had to frustratedly call upon God,
the Holy spirit gently told me to go use the toilet. When I did, it was all like magic. The feelings disappeared. Just like that.

So, how do you manage your situation? What practical steps do you take? You could be helping somebody struggling with same or wondering if the feelings are normal. If you don’t want to post directly, you could send me an anonymous message.

I would want to hear from you. If you do want to say something but choose to remain anonymous, kindly send me a mail to omobyadex@yahoo.com. I would be glad and honored to hear and read from you.

Stay pure, stay good! Omoby cares.

…beware of manipulators!

I want to sound a note of warning to ladies. Especially young ladies who are often not in control of their emotions.

Please be careful of men who try to play on your intelligence and emotions without defining what it is they want with you. Be clear. Do not give any man the licence to use you to soothe or mastubate his emotions with you. Ask questions. You’ve the right to ask questions and dictate what you want with any man who’s acting all friendly without any clear intentions. Do not assume you’re in a relationship with bro when he thinks you’re just one of those he could play around with.

A reasonable man should be clear on what he wants with you…and he’ll give you the right to reject or accept his offer. However, some good men don’t ask. Perhaps they’re shy, I wouldn’t know. But immediately you notice a man being unnecessary friendly, please ask questions. Don’t entertain any relationship / friendship without clear boundaries.

Are we dating? Are we in a relationship? Are we just sex partners? Are we in an open relationship? What are we doing? Ask. There’s no crime in asking. You’ll be saving yourself a lot.

Similarly, always remember that even when a man asks for your hand in Marriage or a relationship, you’re under no obligation to give a positive response. You! decide if or when the relationship starts. You’re that important. You’ve got to know that, without your consent, nothing starts. That’s how much important you are.

And thank you to those who contributed to the discourse yesterday. I learnt something new. I learnt that we, single ladies are doomed. Hahahah.😂 Life is not easy on single ladies o. But I am committed to enjoying this phrase until my status changes.

~ Omoby, 2016

..yet to make up your mind?

Do you find yourself in a relationship where you really can not figure out what’s on your guy’s mind? Today you see him…tomorrow you don’t….

I have come across quite a number of intelligent babes, brillant, classy, educated, beautiful, fashionable, local, exposed, whatever. It has cease to amaze me how some just seem to get stuck in relationships that are not going anywhere and are failing to see all the signs the guys are giving them. They are busy dreaming of walking down the aisle with a guy who sees them as just ‘one of those girls’, if you understand what I mean, it doesn’t make them less intelligent or less smart, but only human.

Have you ever being in a relationship where it seems as if you are the only one who’s making effort and the guy keeps coming with one excuse or the other on why he can’t see you tonight. Not just for tonight actually, but he has a thousand and one reasons for not seeing you in 2- 3 weeks and not even tangible reasons to this effect? Don’t we all have one story or the other to tell Prince Charming to whisk us away to the altar?

I have known a lady for quite some time as an Undergraduate, a few years back, she used to practically sing the name of her supposed bobo to all who cared and she spoke of how he promised to make her his bride, take her to England (he lives there anyway), how he couldn’t compare her with anyone else blab la bla. Honestly, as much as I tried, I couldn’t really figure out the kind of relationship that existed between them. There was no issue of him coming to see her because he lived in the UK and she in Nigeria. The guy never called and anytime she did, it was received by his answering machine in his apartment. Although she left several messages on the machine for the bobo to call her back, this bobo never returned her call, not once!

On few occasions when she spoke to him, he always told her how difficult it is to live in England, which he said it’s very difficult to call. It was really obvious that the guy was using this strategy to make her see reasons, but did she get the signs? No! At times, she was becoming so irritating when she began to make excuses for him and I had to tell her she must be a dummy (forgive me) for believing something would come out of their relationship. Some of her excuses ‘ehn, maybe he hasn’t gotten a better job yet, or he may just be getting used to the weather’ huh?😕😕

Listen, if you don’t know anything about relationships know this truth, a normal guy would never make you doubt him or guess his intentions to you, that is to say, if he serious about you, he will let you know immediately.

Please don’t misunderstand me, a guy can court you for 10 years or more without a clear purpose, but one day you will know you are the one after his heart. He sleeps it. He talks it. Dreams it. Sings it and eats it. He wants you to know that he can lay claims to you not wanting to give ears to another guy. In other words, if a guy is in a serious relationship with you, he leaves you with no doubts, no guess work, no excuses, no disappearing acts nor hide and seek game; just pure intentions.

Anything short of this, it’s time to count your losses and move on. Forget all the talk about being busy with his work and having to focus to his career for now. No matter how busy he is or how career minded he is, if he is serious and committed with you, he will go the extra mile to be near you! Get that fact! You will be a major source of inspiration of achieving success in his busy schedule.

If you cannot decode the message a man is passing across to you, through his words, its either you are not listening well or your vision is being blocked by your own wishes and fantasies. Because you fancy him that much, you believe he has to feel the same way about you and if this is not love, what’s love? Sorry, but you need to remember that because it feels good doesn’t mean its good. A typical guy naturally avoids a situation where he has to tell a girl that she is not the right woman for him. But he tries in other non-verbal ways. Failing to turn up when he should, suddenly developing fever on the way he is supposed to meet your family, and having to catch up less important engagements than those with you.

Your heart skips each time, so what? If he feels the same way towards you, great! If not, too bad! Quit waiting for him to discover how much of a perfect pair the two of you will make because the truth is that the relationship only exist in your head!

Finally, do you know that for every guy that leaves you feeling unwanted, there are at least two who would do anything for you to be their woman? Do you know that there is a guy out there who will be so fascinated by your brains, overwhelmed by your natural wellbeing (disable or not), that he would want to stand on the roof top and broadcast to the whole world that you are the woman in his life. If you haven’t meant this guy, believe me, all other relationships are a sheer waste of your time and emotions!

Omoby 2016. (A repost)

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

…my travails as a single woman!

Here’s me sharing my travail as a single lady. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy been single. I like the fact that I can choose to spend my money whatever and wherever I like. Kinda not answerable to anyone…but then, been single also comes with learning how to control your urges. Sexual urges.

At such nights as this, I kinda wish I were married. I sort of envy that my married friends and sisters can choose to have sex when they wish…with their partners. Or at least, there’s no guilt, no shame, no shyness. But me (and some others), we keep holding body…waiting to have sex under the right roof…with the right man…no shame nor guilt…where we could go all the way.

If anyone says that you’ll have no sexual feelings while courting, know that the person is lieing to you. Similarly, If anyone tells you that a long courtship guarantees that you’ll be able to put your body under control, that’s also a lie o. I hardly used to have those sexual urges when we first started…7 years down the line, the story is different. The good news however, is that the feelings can be put under control.

In similar vein, I am not ashamed to say that I do have sexual urges…not with any other man, but with the man I love. Oh yea! It’s real. We are both waiting. We help to keep eachother accountable. We share same sexual values.

So, if you’re married and you’ve got a man/woman to lawfully and rightly fulfil your sexual desires and fantasies with, I congratulate you. Please don’t take your partner for granted and ensure you’re having fun been physically intimate with eachother. Likewise, please don’t do it out of duty. Have sex because you love him/her and you want to make him or her happy. Some of us envy you guys o. Lol.

Don’t get me wrong o. Sex isn’t the main reason I want to get married, but it’s sure something I look forward to.

Okay…that’s enough. I need to go and count how many days I have left to wait joooh. 😉😉😉😜😝😝

Goodnight friends!.

Care to share your travails as a single lady? Do inbox omobyadex@yahoo.com or send a personal message on IG @omobyy. Would be looking forward to reading from you.

~ Omoby, 2016. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

When needs…supercedes reason…

It’s to feel the need to be married. It’s alright to desire a romantic relationship with the opposite sex. It’s alright to feel those lonely prangs of having somebody you could call on to or somebody who would always be there for you. It’s okay to desire to be with a man/woman you want to settle down with. It’s perfectly okay to have “been married” as part of your long-term goals. It’s okay to desire to want to be called Mrs somebody. These are real feelings that envelopes real people and should never be invalidated.

Do not let anyone make you think that the desire to get married is an useless one and you should shut it down. Do not let the hate song of “Marriage is hell” or “good men/women are few” make you think that there aren’t those who are have got good partners.

However, it’s totally wrong when this desires supersedes your commonsense such that it’s all you drink and think about. It’s not okay when this desires makes you rush into anyone who wants a relationship with you without verifying about all his/she claims. It’s all wrong when you sit idle only waiting for Mr right to whisk you off to your dreamland. It’s wrong if you think that any guy/woman is doing you a favor by getting married to you. It’s totally wrong when you finally get married and begin to look down on your single friends. It’s wrong when you see the warning signs, but don’t take heed.

As much as the desire to get married burns inside you, please take all the time you need to verify facts. Do not be pressured into getting married. While waiting, do and be all you want to be! It really disturbs me when I see young girls only waiting to just get married. Young girls who don’t know what else to do with their lives.

~ ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Omoby, 2016

The place called “Mistakes”

I met Bidemi in one of my office meetings. My company was going to pitch for a job and my direct supervisor had recommended me to represent the company. The Clients were multinationals and my supervisor had told me that whatever I would say there would be used to appraise us. It was my first time I was handling such responsibility but I knew I just had to brace up and silence the fears lurking in my heart.

Bidemi came to represent his own company. After the presentation, we retired for a short break. Bidemi and I struck up a conversation, we exchanged numbers and he promised to give me a call.

I got a call from Bidemi one Saturday morning requesting me to come to his house the following day. Been a Sunday, I reasoned that he should be going to church and not entertaining visitors. Perhaps he was one so had given up on church or wasn’t even a Christian? Anyway, I told him I needed to rest as I was too tired to visit or go to church having had a long week. I expected that he would understand but he did not. He insisted and reluctantly, I did go visit him. It was a nice apartment and he told me he lived alone. After getting acquainted with myself, Bidemi requested that I cook for him in his house. I reasoned that it was not a bad idea afterall, all the ingredients were in his house and I was not going to spend my money buying anything. 

I am a great cook; I cook only when I am in the mood. If my moods are on vacations, then I have to be hungry to cook. I don’t enjoy cooking one bit. The stress of thinking of what to eat bores and gives me headache. Hence, I was super shocked with myself that I actually did cook for Bidemi. Don’t get me wrong, I cook for my friends, male and female but who was Bidemi to me and why was I cooking for him? I thought. Have I gotten my hand into deep mud? Why so fast? Although Bidemi was with me while I cooked, I couldn’t but feel silly and stupid to have cooked for a man whom I have no duty whatsoever to cook for.

Truthfully, the first visit in Bidemi’s house was cool. I was on my toes, not giving room to chances. I made sure I was not so relaxed and I never stepped my boundaries. Bidemi realized this and didn’t step out of line. 

However, subsequent days after the first visit led Bidemi to think that I had other intentions. I mean, do you blame him? What lady goes to a man’s house for the first time and cooks for him anyway? Knowing this, I realized that even though I had started what I could not sustain, I was going to stop it anyway. Better safe than sorry.

Bidemi started sending suggestive messages. I noticed that he was not straight up even with his messages. Although he was kind and was a succor for my boring days, he would insist I send him details of my day and always ask what I had eaten. All these were becoming overbearing for me. Much more because he was not straight forward with what he wanted from me. I told everything to my friend, Aderonke who agreed that I ask him exactly what he wanted. I took her advice and I did ask Bidemi. Bidemi said he just wanted to be a friend, he wanted to be my confidant and a close friend. Whatever that means, only him knew. I told him that I did not enjoy his constant pestering especially when he would call everyday to ask whether I had eaten or not and when he’d also insist I come to his house. He would also chat me up so disturbingly and grumble when I don’t respond that he saw me online but said nothing to him. I mean, he was that petty. I told him that I would ignore him henceforth if he continues with such attitude. He apologized and said he would change. He said he only wanted to be close to me.

Few weeks later, he did change. I thought him to be reasonable at this point seeing visible changes. He reduced his calls and generally remained a casual friend. Bidemi travelled for his summer vacation to the United Kingdom and I kept in touch while my office took me to a rural community for a little project there. He would tell me of how much he missed me and how he can’t wait to come back home. At this point, for some lose nuts in my head, I would also respond of how much I missed him and couldn’t wait to have him back. I knew I was only using Bidemi to ease off the boredom I felt been away from the city of Lagos. I told Bidemi of him how I missed him too and how I wished he were around with me. We would perhaps be strolling round the city together or just be there for eachother. In one his text messages, Bidemi wrote of how he had feelings for me but he would like to discuss this with me privately. I was at least happy that he straightforward and thus I am now liable to give him an answer.

Unfortunately, Bidemi saw my interactions and communications as a suggestive and also another way to get back to him on his schemes. He told me he would cut short his trip and return immediately, then come to Offa where I was, since I was really lonely. Shocked and seeing no need for such, I objected. Although I was also excited or I acted excited. True to his words, Bidemi was in Offa the following Tuesday afternoon. It was good to have a friend back, at least somebody you could just chat with, or so I thought. Bidemi requested that I cook for him again. No, that happened the first time but it was not going to happen again. I told him to get himself food while coming afterall, it was by his choice he was coming to Offa to see me. I do think at this point of writing that Bidemi wasn’t coming to Offa solely because of me. He had business here but made it appear he was doing me a huge favor.

Subsequent weeks saw Bidemi and I getting too close for comfort which I felt very uncomfortable with. Bidemi would careless just hug me from behind while we were taking a stroll. One of those nights in Offa, Bidemi complained of been ill and insisted that I come stay over in his hotel room. I did go visit him but I did not stay over. In one of the visit, Bidemi pulled me to the bed and held me so tight to just lie beside him, I told him he was hurting me. He apologized though and said he just need my body comfort beside him. This was not the first time, he would pull me beside him and attempt to kiss me o.

Truthfully, I did not like the pattern everything was heading. I need I had played suggestive too as well. I felt bitter, sad and manipulated and decided to tell Bidemi about this. I did tell him and again he apologized. Then the nail hit well, Bidemi said he was shocked I was acting all tight up because it was the same me who acted so indicative of having romantic feelings for him? He said he could not believe I would suddenly feel this way. He thought we were heading somewhere. He thought I had feelings for him. 

He told me he had feelings for me and he would really love to start a relationship with me. I don’t know where I got the slightest ideas that he was married, but I hit him hard with that! He expressed outright shock at my response and demonstrated through his body language that there was nothing to dating him. He even boasted that there was nothing to his dating me. His wife is aware and has no say with what he does with his life. When I asked if his wife, he said they are in a small city in Osun state. It was at this point I knew that Bidemi was been manipulative and unreasonable. I share part of the blame too as I had not been uptight from the beginning with him. I had started stuffs with him I naturally don’t do with any man. I made up my mind that from hence forth, I would have nothing to do with him anymore.

I cut all communications with him and I maintained our conversations to be casual and formal. I never said hello to him except when he did. I never went visiting him anymore. Importantly, I told friends about him and asked that they keep me accountable. Aderonke was hands-on for this. Bidemi tried bridging back the broken bond but I would not budge. My mind was made up! He came visiting me one day and knelt down before me asking me why I had suddenly deserted him. I told him me been away from him was best for two of us. I was wrong to start stuffs with him and appear indicative when I knew deep down I had no feelings for you and knew that I was wrong . I guess I just desired to be chased by a man and so I gave my brains up. I realized that is been over a year since a man found me attractive hence my reasoning were on break when Bidemi started with me. 

On the other hand, Bidemi had also been manipulative, cunning me to do things against my will and values. He had made me lie on a bed beside a man and put his own body on mine in the bid that we become close confidants. It felt strange but Bidemi had assured me that it was part of been close to a man. Huh?!

Bidemi had also, always expected me to cook for him, like I was his wife whose duty was to ensure that meals were ready for him. I remember a day Bidemi called me from work and demanded that I cook for him when I get back. I cringe till date when I remember all I did. 

Bidemi had held me so close and attempted to kiss me several times. This was me whose lips had never come close another man, let alone a man whose intentions were not defined. Where I suddenly let my guards down still baffles me till date. 

Bidemi made me feel I was the most important part of his life mentioning that he wanted me to be a close confidant and be there for me, when he had a wife and children at home. He was deliberating seeking to exploit my emotions knowing that he had no future plans for me.

Right now, I have cut all communication with Bidemi. I have blocked his contacts and I dont receive his calls anymore. I can’t totally avoid him because we live close to eachother, but I am glad, I’d be resuming permanently at the head office in October which means, I’d be relocating to Abuja. This also means I’d no longer have to worry about bumping Bidemi on the streets.

On his own part, I think he realized that I meant business, he has not paid me a visit neither has he called or sent those his pestering messages. He seems to have understood that I can’t continue to be manipulated and used.

LESSONS TO LEARN FROM MY STORY:

Ladies! You’re valuable. You do not need a man’s affirmation for this. You do not need to be chased by a man to feel valuable or loved. I realized that it was because I hadn’t had a man tell me in the last one year  how pretty I was hence, I let my guards down and almost got ruined. 

When closure with an opposite sex is not defined, chances are that one party would begin to feel manipulated and used. As a lady, you are in the right position to ask a guy (who seems getting close to you) questions. Don’t keep quiet expecting he knows what is on your mind.

Never ever seek for a temporarily cause for anything, e.g. boredom. I realized that it was the period I was bored, I was so vulnerable to Bidemi hence I acted all suggestive. It was those periods as well Bidemi started asking me to stay over in his house.

Although I realized that I made many mistakes starting stuffs with Bidemi, it was not too late to retrace my steps back and put an end to this madness. For instance, cooking for Bidemi was a suggestive attitude that gave him the green lights to go ahead for more cookies. Do I blame him that he requested I cook again for him and spend the night with him against my own will?

As a lady if you do not know that you are in control of your emotions and no good man should have to manipulate them to earn them, you would be in for manipulators and schemers.

There are many men on the prowl, men like Bidemi who are married looking for young girls to manipulate and control. You have to always been on your guard. Please use your brains.

You say you are smart, the devil is smarter that you and he knows how to play those cards to have you fall down disgracefully. A first ‘it does not matter’ often becomes habits that are difficult to break and so it is best to flee from all appearance of evil.

Finally, I was able to put a stop to everything before it got out of hand, several young women experience this trend and eventually get raped, exploited, manipulated and destroyed before realizing that the men were married or had no good intentions for them.

Omoby, thank you for allowing me share my story on your blog. I hope young ladies would learn from my story and take caution.

Do you have a story you know people could learn from, please do send me a mail on omobyadex@yahoo.com or just send a message to my Facebook account: Omobolanle Adeyemo or my Facebook Page Omoby.

All rights reserved. Omoby, 2016.

Its within you…Look!

Some of us women wouldn’t like people’s pictures on Facebook because there is this inherent thing in us that seems to see only the bad in people. We wouldn’t comment on an exciting woman’s journey because we hate what she’s doing. We wouldn’t say a positive word to a woman or anyone else. We wouldn’t cheer up another woman’s post because we think there should be something she should do better which of course we have answers to. We pride ourselves as being objective and focused, but what’s eating us is deeper than objectivity, it deeper than perfectionism. We are becoming sicker and sicker by the day, but we don’t care as long as the sickness is hidden. Like cancer, one day it would eat all of us and we would be left with nothing of ourselves.

No, I am not talking about desiring the seemingly vague attention social media brings, I am talking about seeing the good in situations, in all things, in all lives, around you, among your friends, at work, even mundane things as what’s on social media.

A lady walks into a room who is gorgeously dressed and your nose is already up in the air picking out stuffs she didn’t do well or questioning her demeanor. Oh we’re already seeing why she did wear a blazer on a trousers and not a skirt? Is she the only one who knows how to walk properly? What about been bitter and seemingly angry because somebody does something better than us? Rather than appreciate such works, we become depressed and sad. Rather than deal with the root cause, we think the problem is everyone else but us.

A lady is successful in her mid thirties or later, yet you begin to tell her or think that she’s incomplete because she’s single. You’re privileged to know another woman’s past so you can now rub it on her face. An obviously successful lady is bad-mouthed by you because you know she’s slept with every Tom, Dick and Harry to get to that position. Another lady posts pictures of her lovely family on Facebook, and you begin to quint your nose, boldly declaring that time would reveal things to her? What things? A lady says confidently that her hubby has never cheated on her and would never do so, but you begin to define her own truth. Why?

You see, I used to think I was simply been objective and pride myself to be a perfectionist been a Melancholy by temperament. When I see female pictures on Facebook, my eyes would immediately pick the things not right with it. Oh she is pretty, but then, why she didn’t do this and that? Although some of these thoughts of mine could be true, but who am I to sit and judge what I think is somebody’s definition of beautiful? And what is the acceptable benchmark of measuring beautiful? Who am I to determine another woman’s definition of wrong or right? When I seem to be jealous of another woman’s gift, I remind myself that the world is large enough to accommodate everyone. Why do I sit and get jealous of her gift while I have done nothing with mine? And whose fault is it? Why do I condemn another woman’s journey? Why do I judge another woman whose relationship or Marriage didn’t work out? Why don’t I focus on my own race? Why do I raise my shoulders higher than necessary because I don’t engage in premarital sex? Why do I think I am better than the other woman because I have an awesome relationship with a great dude? Why I do feel safer because perhaps I sin differently and secretly?

No, it doesn’t mean I would support evil or wrong, but it means I would be gentle on the next woman. I would love and care for her. I would seek to understand her unique journey. Note my word ‘seek’. I would not be quick to put my best foot forward while focusing on her own bad foot. I would be gentle, kind, compassionate and loving.

Here is my declaration: I have chosen not me be an enemy to another woman. I have chosen to support every woman and see the best in them. I have chosen never to judge any woman in my heart and words. When my female friends think of me, I want them to see me as a woman who supports and believes in them. When I am tempted to get jealous of that woman, I would remember that if I reflect deeply, I can see the beautiful gifts I have as well. I’d choose not to compete with another woman. I would see every woman’s world as beautiful. I’d see her journey as unique. I would not use my own standard to measure her life’s choices. I’d see every woman’s mistakes as lessons and not a bait to get back at her. I would choose to use my words to build a woman and not tear her down.

I have made my declaration and it changing something inside of me, I hope you would make same as well.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Omoby, 2015